Christmas. A time for family, friends and spreading cheer to all of your fellow human beings. These are all part of the Christmas spirit unless you are in shopping centres, malls and shops. This is where humans replace their Christmas spirit, pure dark evil spirits that seem to channel the same soul as Jack the Ripper on a cold Victorian night in Whitechapel. In other words, Christmas shopping turns people into the antichrist. What Christmas film captures this the best? You may ask, well, of course, it’s everyone’s favourite R-rated classic Jingle All The Way (1996).
Sure, that might have been a little exaggerated, there might be a few raised eyebrows at me calling Jingle All The Way an R-rated film, but let me remind you, if Tarantino got his hands on this script, you definitely wouldn’t be showing this to a 6-year-old.
Starring Arnold Schwarzenegger as Howard Langston, the Jordan Belfort of selling mattresses, is a family man, who seems to be neglecting his job as a parent to his son Jamie (Jake Lloyd) and husband to his wife Liz (Rita Wilson) for his career as a mattress salesman. After missing his son’s Karate grading the day before Christmas Eve, he promises to make up for it by getting his son the Turbo Man action figure, the hottest toy of the year, for the big day. He later finds out that his wife asked him to get the toy weeks ago, as they were likely to be all gone. This proceeds 80-minutes of Arnold Schwarzenegger running around Malls and shops finding anywhere this toy is sold.
Arnold Schwarzenegger leaves a trail of destruction in search of the Turbo man toy, whether that is assaulting Santas, chasing a child or even stamping, biting or standing on people who get in his way. The film also brings along an alcoholic mailman (Sinbad) who blows up a radio station full of police and radio clerks. Honestly, if you’re a fan of the hard R-rated action flicks such as Commando or Terminator, this film is only a few blood splatters and “Fucks” away from it.
Overall, Jingle All The Way is everyone’s favourite stair of modern-day commercialism. Just joking (although it technically is) while being far from an Orson Welles picture in quality, it is a lot of fun to watch over the holiday season, not forgetting the iconic “put that cookie down.” quote.
Words by Jake Morgan